they call me naughty stef

We are at the moment in a bit of a conundrum regarding a half page of our new issue of Brick, which is one ad shy of complete. Throwing some ideas around, someone thought a Brick personals/classified section might be good. So, with They Call me Naughty Lola close at hand, I decided today to take a stab at a few lonely hearts ads:

Prisoner of his own lofty notions seeks defamement, disillusionment, and perhaps a spot of supper. Box 7714

St. George station. I was bleary-eyed and snotty, you winked nonetheless. Drinks? Box 5800

Noone buys me flowers. So what if I'm the one selling them. 27yrs, kind female, living in horticultural excess, seeks more of same. Box 2146

The last time people tried to pick me up was 1973. Weighing in at 7lbs4ounces and cute as a button, this was hardly surprising; in fact I was the pick of the litter. It was not the success of said pick-ups which was has kept me from the real-life dating world, it was the frequency with which i was subsequently dropped on my head. Slightly dim-witted but well-intentioned 34 year old seeks gentleman with a solid grip and medical insurance. Box 3976

My last brazilian went awry. Hirsute woman in sticky situation seeks sympathy and a good shearing. Box 3219

I was that kid who bought glasses from the backs of comic books to see through your clothing. My comic book budget now goes to university debt collections and alimony payments. Looking for someone who will save me the excess expense. Civilized gentleman seeks woman, 25+, no glasses please, for clotheless tumble. Box 4403

Beset by pernicious facial hair. Don't you dare call me Frida. Eccentric bookish sort in search of artless man for motorcycle rides and saucy bedtime readings. Box 2208

You'll love me. God knows I do. Box 6730

Moby Dick's got nothing on me. Weighty woman searches for modern-day Ahab. Come have dinner at my place.
(Again and again and again)
Box 3489

BA? MFA? BDSM? STD? I've got none of 'em. See my point?
SWF, tired of fancy educated sorts seeks simple man with a touch of vanilla.
Blue rinse gents need not apply. Box 2222